It is crazy, but sometimes I feel like a criminal tried continuously by people who do not know anything about me or my life and therefore I find it best pretending to hide what fibromyalgia causes me.
If you do not know me well or my family, it is possible that on some occasions you may think that I am pretending to be sick. You may think it is impossible for someone to be tired all the time and live with constant pain. Like many other people I am not only person pretending to be well for my family and acquaintance, pretending to be well to go to work every day even if it is a brutal torture and we can only half perform our obligations swallowing pills and painkillers, dragging us barely when we come home. We cannot even move from the intense and insufferable pain and a debilitating exhaustion of which we never recover. But in spite of everything I have no choice but to act as I am well.
It is much easier to pretend and try to show that I am well because I do not have to defend myself. I do not have to explain to someone that living in constant and constant pain is possible. Nor do I have to re-enumerate symptoms to someone who does not feel any interest. I do not have to justify relentless fatigue. I do not have to explain why I do not go to the gym or the pool like before. I’d like to be fine, but I’m not.
I do not quite understand why I feel like I have to pretend to be okay when it’s just the opposite. Why does the opinion of others matter so much? Why do not I care what they think? I am tired, very tired of trying to explain how I am really, I have explained to family and friends who have not understood my daily reality, I have even told doctors who have looked at me with disbelieving face and I have been told that what I tell It is not possible. Maybe that’s why I have developed great skills as an actor in a role that I never asked me to touch.
It’s crazy, but sometimes I feel like a criminal tried continually by people who do not know anything about me or my life and before this world it’s best to pretend that people who hardly know you or know anything about you do not start giving you advice on what you should do without having the slightest idea of my invisible illness.
Although it costs me, I always try to be nice when someone asks me how I am. That is a question that sometimes makes me burst out of anger at not being able to tell the truth, but I hold back and try to deflect the issue or try to settle it with a short “I’m fine.” I could say, “I got out of bed today without help” or “I’ve been a little better for a few days when the pain is giving me a break” or “This week is being a hell because I’m having a crisis”, but this would lead to give explanations to justify my condition again, so I find it easier never to tell the truth.
I would like to be able to stop pretending that I am well and show my true condition, I would like those who ask me to do so with a real interest in my condition and not always see or hear as others suspect that I am lying when I tell them which Is my real condition.
Do you feel the need to pretend you’re okay when you do not? Would you like to change that?